been a while

Jason broke up with his girlfriend. when they broke up i was the first to comfort him. we cuddled he kissed me. then he picked up another girl like nothing happened. we haven’t talked about it. i want him soo bad. he hurt me soo much. i keep going back i dont know why. i feel like i took advantage of him. i feel like he was vulnerable and i used him. but he kissed me. and he asked me to cuddle so its not my fault right? 


Jason has a girlfriend now, i fear he hates me . i know she does i think its wearing off on him. i dont believe she could be envious of me that would be impossible. its tarred the way she has made him soo unwelcoming. The way he has been acting lately has been cruel. His attitude has been treacherous. Yet i still love him. And yet i still feel he hates me. I dont know if im starting to annoy him. Or if she has totally turned him on me. They’ve been together for a few months. Hes been living their. I miss the way he used to be. I want him back. 


I pray almost  every night. I usually pray when im not too tired and have the strength to. thier are a few things i pray for. 

The first thing i pray for is to have a long happy life. The next thing i pray for is all my friends and family and good generous people in the world to be happy and healthy, and for them to have a long happy beautiful lifes. I then pray for all my animals to be healthy and safe. After that i pray for strength . strength in general. Then i pray for the strength to be happy and healthy. The next thing i pray for is to let all my love ones that passed to know that i love and miss them with all my heart. And the last thing i pray for is very special to me. I pray to god, i sometimes beg. I ask for him to give me a voice of an angle. One that someone can hear and it would change them. One that people could connect with. One that people could relate to and get the sense to do better from. 

I believe in god. And i have prayed to him before and he has answered me. I believe he will protect me and guide me to help others and influence others to help others. 

i started saving my money. Im going to try and move to seattle. I love the gloom. And i feel i would do good thier. 


i saw the strangest thing… or felt the strangest thing. I was in a small home furnishing store, and i saw a little girl yurning for her mother to pick her up. She looked about 3. It reminded me of when i was abot 4 or 5 when i used to yurn for my parents to pick me up and and hug me and spin me around. It made me mis the feeling of being in my parents arms and being loved un exceptionally. I yurn for that feeling now. I will hunt forever to feel that feeling. Of being so perfect in somones eyes that they don’t have the chance not to love you. And always love you. Because u are a part of them. And always will be. 

it’s insane

how safe i feel with you.

How happy i am when we are breathing the same air. Every time i see your smile. I feel happier then i have ever felt. When i rarely get to hug you. I dont want to let go. I feel like we are two puzzle pieces when i’m in your arms. It’s like the world stops. Just for us. And every question i have about us. Is answered. And in those few moments. I feel safe.. at home… in nirvana.. at peace. Like if i died. I’d be happy. And i would have no regrets.



Love him more than life

dreamt about him. best dream iv’e ever had.

dreamt i was in his arms. Dreamt he said he loved me. Dreamt he held me and didn’t want to let go. Dreamt i could feel his breath on my skin

Dreamt i was happy.

After all the depression i have today.

I get a call form my dad. He said my aunts passed away. This is terrible. I always get kicked while i’m down like this.

It’s things like this that make me want to start cutting again. I promised i wouldn’t. But u never know. The way things are going

Man i can’t believe this.

i went to school And my teacher went through all my work. Man im fucked. ahe said shes going to correct it all by tommarow and if it’s not thier shes talking to the principil

i miss..

How my mom used to be strong for us. Now she just lets everything out. Which probably is a good thing. But it sucks to realize how messed up your life is sometimes.  It truly breaks my heart to see her so unhappy. But i don’t know what to do. I’m trying to get a job but nowhere will hire me because i can’t speek spanish. I don’t know what to do. Just looks like another ramen noodle dinner.

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